Currently Listening From Under the Cork Tree By Fall Out Boy Dance Dance see related

Okay.

Wow.

I have a hard time looking at this and thinking that's me.

So wtf whatever. I am happy, and having an incredible time, possibly we're either moving to Coffman Cove, outside Klawock or to Craig or Thorne Bay...whatever we are getting out of Whale Pass. In fact, I've been staying in Coffman Cove for a month and a week now going to school there...and I have like, no enemies lol. Just allot of real good friends.

And ah...I've moved onto myspace like...a few months ago lol.

SO

here are a few pics.

This is my gorgeous girl Jackie...I love her eyes

This is her bro Nate and his girlfriend

This is Breezy and Stephanie messin around ^.^

This is the hyper happy Katie...I don't think I've EVEr seen her in a bad mood o.o

This is the hilarious Chrissy who kept pummeling me with the basketball and showering me with hugs in apology - this girl's funny...I think she should be with Nate ^.^

And here is Ross, aka Bosley...who dubbed me 'Sid Vicious' and for some odd reason dubbed Jack 'Roy'...pft...

this is a pic I took to portray him as the bakehead that he is, hehe

This is mah cuz Daniel and I on the ferry to Wrangell

And I can't get any pics of lora cuz they're only thumbnail size!!!! *curses* send me one so I can post it on here lol

MEANWHILE...

Dude. This site pisses me off, lol.

Not like any one reads this, and if you are reading this post now after to months of not posting and you are not one of my 6 subscribers...you are very very sad.

MY REAL SITE that I can look at without thinking I should strangle myself for - well obvious reasons would be at http://www.myspace.com/natheria_wolfsbane add me if you like BUT FIRST...watch Tribute on mah uber moozik videeo playlist...I just watched Tribute and I'm feeling a bit...Jack Blackish...pft fuck just go lmao

So you saw my gf

saw mah friends

though I'm going to have to smack my cousins to get them to gimme some urls to their pics...

you see that this is...totally different compared to my other site

and I am going to HOPEFULLY live in Coffman

so have a good night and ...

well blah go to myspace and add me!

\m/

When I get to Coffman Cove. I will shred every memory. Every memory. Of who I am right now. Want to know what scared me last night? How my mind is a 'very very scary' place? Ever since the day that my first episode came two weeks ago on Friday all these thoughts just flood into my head. New thoughts. Thoughts I do not like. And try to ignore. Get rid of them. Call them rediculous. They stay. They grow. I get more episodes. Yesterday it    hit   fucking   hard. And what did I do? I made the mistake of giving into it. For those hours I sang. Explored the thoughts I restricted myself from. Hours went by. By 1 in the morning I got a hold of myself. I tried sleeping. I couldn't I scared myself yesterday, it disturbed me that if a person like me could delve into thoughts of - lets say thoughts we normally shouldn't think about - violent unreasonable thoughts  than what does that say about just how fragile my will is. I gave in. Gave in. And thought about it. While I was singing. And other thoughts. Like why the fuck did god bring me out of oblivion why my soul why me why why why and you know what I can keep asking this and never get an answer and besides how do I know I'm not going back to the oblivion I came from when I die. Fuck this thinking. I am tired of thinking like this. I'll say things. I will be fucking cold. and at the same time something just as strong as the negative force in me is cursing me cursing every word I put down saying stop just front just shut up too late just fucking forget about it and maybe I should both sides tell me to draw away from everyone and by now why don't I listen already fuck this fuck all of this i will stay quiet and not open my mouth before I screw everything up - you know what nevermind I already have so what better punishment then to watch it all fall down like it is i can say i'm sorry but who's to say that will change anything I say it out loud as I prayed last night and realized just how fucking rediculous it is for a person like me with what i have done to continue being insane without putting ENOUGH effort into getting self control how rediculous is it as I pray for everyone how  fucking rediculous it is for a person like me to say I am sorry after all I've done well its too late too fucking late I'll just stop all I am doing right now because anything I manage to construct after this if that's even possible I'll tear down later even if i don't want to you know what I will just continue to fuck up again and again I fuck up just by breathing right now i fuck up by posting this and I fuck up by saying nothing and any apology I make right now will seem repulsive to some extant because any word I speak normal or not is repulsive to some extant is it not if everything I do is fucked up than therefore I am one fucked up mistake in this world I thought about right where it belongs on with teeth today and thought about it and if this is the reality around me right now I've created if I had power I would mend everything though everyone might as well still hate me good fucking god just stop just end just quit right now if god granted me one wish it would be to lose this skin and be someone else anyone else so i could just be myself without the image i already created which is unbreakable knowing that i could change and do all the good deeds in the world still won't change the image I've already made and that hurts haha who am i to say what hurts i don't have the fucking right to hurt for the fucked up waste of creation i am i just want to die get out of here be anything else but who i am a fucking fly on a wall anything else i wish i were blind so i couldn't see everything fall apart around me i wish i were deaf so i wouldn't hear my own bullshit which might as well be every fucking word i speak i wish i couldn't feel as i tear into my skin as i try to escape as i try to remind myself this is real i am alive not a nightmare of my own creation not fucking hell which is where i'm going when i die believe me i am definatelty going to fucking hell forget me forget who i am you are all better off not knowing me whatch try it see your life improve with all the change i could do in the world there might as well be blight instead of green fuck why do i do what i do why don't i just stop right the fuck now though i will it won't make a fucking difference we all have one life and i might has well have fucked this one up i've gone too far its too late so why the fuck don't i just throw it away already fuck this don't listen to me i don't know what the fuck i'm saying i just wish i couldn't speak then things would be so much better with all the venom in my words i'm shocked i have the voice i have i don't fucking deserve my voice i don't deserve my artistic ability for all the beauty i admire and praise because there was i time i knew people with all the beauty in the world like art they inspire and my appreciation for it went out the window and it's too late to change things too fucking late i don't deserve anything ANYTHING  my destiny is the mental institution i swear to god i'm just a psychotic bithc kill me forget me erase me you know for all i have done you know what hurts the most besides being the fucked up waste of life i am the fact that you know me and the fact that you bother helping me when i don't deserve your help your patience is limitless your will is unbreakable and it's already proven i don't deserve to know you i hate me i hate the words i say though i don't mean them i regret every one of them but it doesn't make a difference they were already said just leave me be leave me the fuck alone i shoudl drive a fucking  blade thruogh my heart if i had a fucking heart so i culd go to fucking hell where i belong or an oblivion of some kind bury me alive drown me shoot me burn me with silver drive a steak hit me anything if you fail the first time ffel fre to try  again cuz i would like nothing better god fucking dmnit why dion't i cjust shut up already i dare say i am sorry i said it there but i know it changes nothing htis changes nothing stop reading already you are wasting a few precious minutes out of your life you could be doing something bter anything is better than this god fucking damnit why why why am i alive fuck i can't stop trembling how stupid is that i cry you know i don't care if tears purify then i will need all the time in the world just to wash this impurity away just shut up i'm done im gone no more bull shit to deal with no more none i am a waste of your time dont you fucking forget it oh god damnit god just shut up i will hurt you no more   

Currently Listening Darkest Days By Stabbing Westward On Your Way Down see related

Yesterday was insteresting. half way through family guy I go upstairs and turn off the lights, feeling unstable, set my stereo on my bed and lay down with my head beside it. I put in the subliminal verses by slipknot and listen awhile. then I crank it up. Restart the cd. Forgot my parents were downstairs. Gave into my episode. Panicked. Angry. Afraid. And came up different. My voice changed. Alto. Grown up for lack up better words. Sounded incredible. I sang along to slipknot and apc thirteenth step for 2 and a half hours. Vented. Want to know why I sang so well to that music? The emotion was there. The emotion came out. And I wanted to be heard. I go downstairs. Dale is looking at me and he says, 'holy shit, kid.' and for once I found myself unaffected. by praise. didn't need it. didn't care. when night came around things got complicated. My mind. Is a very very scary place. And what's worse. is that it's a place I can't get away from. No matter. Inside I feel a lingering sense of fear. Outside? Different. ...confident. In a dark sense. I like it. Inside? dread. So if I give into it I wonder if the results would continue being this good. I feel so motivated. I'm grinning. God knows why. I'm grinning. And I feel ... hollow. Dark. if anything. not sad. not angry. I don't think. The most curious feeling. And...I'm liking it.

I'm going to cook dinner for us when dale gets home. I recall my mother saying she bought a family sized can of tomato soup...so why not.

I feel strangely inspired. Perhaps I will go sing.

Here is a picture.

Alexander Casteels.

A strangely alluring picture. For today.

Currently Listening Downward Spiral By Nine Inch Nails The Becoming see related

Angel Curls

Hello everybody.

everything is fine.

the grass is green.

the sky is blue.

the sun is shining.

my senses are clear.

i can smile now.

That is all you will ever see

Anymore

The Wishmaster

Currently Listening Break the Cycle By Staind Pressure see related

So much inside why do I restrain I want my voice to be heard it is heard everyday few bother to understand what I have to say things are never the way they seem anymore and why should I go on pretending like it's the same like everything will be okay it's always been one complication after another does anyone not see how I hang on like I do after all of what I've seen I have every reason to let go give up on it but I don't because I'm strong that way even though what I and others have helped build is closer to collapsing with each new day I'm tired of watching things fall apart just tell me how I can fix it because it seems I'm doing everything wrong in some way you know what I'm not anyone's perfect savior and I am just as fucked as you so when I get shit for expressing my anger during my stormy days I just wish you would look at yourself one day in your hell and realize, 'oh shit, it's raining' so that maybe you can understand as well I give up that isn't even what I wanted to say because everything else I have to say will come out fucked up anyway   I never meant to hurt anybody I regret this everyday  and this will probably be my next regret tomorrow or some other day because something is always wrong with what I have to say someone else can say it and things will change so picture me being someone else maybe it will be easier that way anything to just get something out to just make you understand I will regret this in the end that much I know now Fuck just forget about this Forget about all of this Pretend I'm still reserved Pretend I never said anything because things are just better when I'm silent and away anyway right fuck that just ignore this I am still not okay still fucked up just call me a schizo freak and leave it at that I'm done I'm out before I fuck anything else up